My Assignment:
Genre: Drama
Action: Giving a thumbs down
Word: break
My Entry:
Dive
Kori didn’t want to talk much; not since the break up. It worried Arlene. Unable to cancel their prepaid vacation, the sisters went scuba diving.
It was their deepest dive thus far, and deeper than any conversation they’d had in the last week; not since the break up.
After finding a cave, Kori pointed excitedly, recklessly, that they go farther. Arlene gave the small and narrow passage an emphatic thumbs down.
Kori normally wouldn’t go, but she went. Arlene normally wouldn’t follow, but she did. There weren't enough signals for the words needed between them; not since the break up.
My Feedback: Thanks for Participating!
(the judges were numbered and anonymous )
Dear Salem Arh,
The feedback from the judges on your 1st Round submission from the 100-word Microfiction Challenge 2024 is below. We hope you find the feedback helpful, and you are proud of the story you created. Thank you for participating, and we hope to see you in a future challenge!
'''Dive'' by Salem Arh -
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY -
{1750} The repetition was a bold choice, and I admit at first I didn't think it worked. But by the time I finished and had absorbed the almost harrowing situation presented, I changed my mind. This is an impressive submission, and if it reached a little far with its device, it still told an engaging and dramatic story. I particularly liked the line "...and deeper than any conversation they'd had..."
{2273} The story has a strong foundation in the sisterly bond between Kori and Arlene. One senses them, especially Arlene, struggling to connect, and the scuba diving trip serves as a lovely dramatic device for the effort. The danger that may await them looms over the unfolding events.
{2441} The comparison between deep dives and deep conversations is well done.
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK -
{1750} I pretty much summed it up above: the contrivance worked, although it couldn't help but feel a bit artificial. Would it have been better if the second usage out of three had been left out? Maybe; it may have lent the last line even more power.
{2273} The perils of continuing to go deeper are so firmly established that the reader expects, and wishes for, more of a payoff. Would it be possible to work in at least a suggestion of whether they encounter a threat to their lives? If they were to face a crisis in the "small and narrow passage", it would heighten the drama further.
{2441} It would add to the weight of the story if there was a bit more context to the break up and why, specifically, Arlene finds Kori's silence to be a source of worry.